okay...... deep breaths.... so... not onli I had a fun day ytd.. But I also had a... emotional night ytd... I dunno how am i gonna rant it all out here.. but... Maybe blogging will help in letting out all my feelings..  hopefully as I type I won't be crying like a river... :/

....... Why did I want to join dancing...? well... there are many reasons why.. Its part of my interest, I love dancing, its like my hobby, its fun.. and th list goes on... but.. Why do I wanna be part of F8TE? wad's my intention on coming and being part of th grp...? Ytd night, I kept asking myself tht question....

So being part of F8TE (Our very own dance grp for kpop).. why am I there? Do I deserve myself to be there? Or am I just not cut out for dancing... I.. I didn't kno tht us joining this grp has a lot of pressure and expectations.. not from us... but from my leader.. or better known as my twin... I mean.. I really look up to her.. she's a great dancer whom I really respect. And those who have not seen her dance, you should... and trust me, I'm no better than her... I'm like way wayyyy bottom on th ground... needing to have constant improvements and practices to get up there... But.. I didn't kno tht we really REALLY need to commit so much in dancing.. knowing my members for at most.. 4 months I guess?? I really really feel attached to them.. They are like another part of my life, just like how the obiangs are part of mine... I feel comfortable.. feel so loved and welcomed... I finally had tht feeling of having kpop frens who are as crazy and as lunatic as I am.. maybe bcus of tht.. we tend to joke on it a lot during dance and not taking dance too seriously. I came to dance is to.. of cus, dance, but most importantly, have fun in it?? Maybe I'm not ready and having tht full commitment to go for countless competitions and all.. Maybe I'm just... not tht of a dancer yet.. Just a girl who wanna dance for fun. And we have members who don't have tht much skill in dancing... some don't even have a dancing background. so its really hard for us... We're not professionals.. like yourself.. so frankly, th burden.. th responsibility.. th stress.. is really adding a lot on us..

Whenever I see notifications... it creeps me out.. It scares me.. I'm scared.. Just why am I feeling this way? Its like I'm lost in some universe and I dunno wad to do or go back to the good old times. And thank goodness I'm not th only one feeling this... I talked to eternal maknae... I had it all out of me.. bcus seriously, She is just as scared as I do.. no wonder she didn't reply there... I dunno abt th other 3, but I'm sure when they read th post the'll get th chills. Are we not living up to your expectations of us? I panic...... Panicking tht you're really mad at us... okay, maybe you alr are.. but I'm just so stressed even by just looking at the post. What if we meet tgt in real life? are you gonna flip th table cus you're so angry at us for not dancing properly? It freaks me out.. really. and abt adding a new member to our team. its not tht I don't like her since I've not met her before.. But.. i dunno.. it just ruins the whole thing.. I felt tht its not gonna be th same anymore. So... those who are reading this you might be thinking... so.. wad's th whole point of this post?

Well.. my greatest fear and wad I don't wanna happen th most.... tht F8TE is gonna disband... yea.. tht. this situation is putting me in so much stress, tht I almost had this desire to quit everything. And as I talk to eternal maknae.. I asked her.. "I'm even thinking tht there's a chance tht F8TE will break". she said, "tht's possible".. Not tht I don't wanna think of tht, but it really striked me into waking up to reality and think.... "F8TE will be gone".. I don't wan tht to happen. not for me, but for th rest of th members as well. pls... I don't even want to imagine if obiangs are gonna break... yes.. its just as scary as tht. We're walking on thin ice now.. th 5 of us... if we're gonna talk to leader abt this.. there's a high chance tht she's gonna flare...Maybe I'm th most affected by all this.. considering tht I'm like.. more attached to leader cus she's my twin and all.. if this situation is not solved, what will happen? th other members won't see you as much.. but wad abt me? I'm gonna see you every wednesday for dance class.. and do you kno how awkward tht will be? we're always have fun during class and all.. so now? eternal maknae gave me a wake up call tht nothing will be th same like th usual.. she told me tht our usual spazzing will not be th same anymore.. I don't wanna believe it.. but.. she's right.. nothing will be th same. especially for me.. How am i gonna survive 1hour 30min every wed for dance class, seeing her and she sees me... it hurts.... I don't wanna go thru all these.. I look at my members' tweets now.. the're putting big smiles on their tweets and their usual spazzing.. but, I kno tht the're not feeling th same way as how we were always spazzing with each other. my timeline is so quiet now.. no spazzing and crazy scolding involved.. it not th same... its not th same.....

Her bringing it up at th wrong timing during th exam week.. my girls who are gonna take exams next week must have been more stressed than I do.. How sad must they have been feeling right now... But be strong girls.. please..

Maybe I just have to face th facts and consequences... I have to wake up and realise tht nothing is th same anymore... I can't spazz tht much anymore.. I can't dance and have fun anymore.. I'm loosing confidence in dancing.. I wanna quit... I feel like crap.. I don't like this feeling.. I'm lost... I dunno what to do.. wad am I gonna do when I see her... will it be th same again?

As I reminisce the moments with her... even like last week when I brought her to th library for my obiangs to see her... tht joy.. tht laughter... I hope tht we can continue on to be like tht.... Even if we're not gonna dance tgt anymore.. our rltship is much more important.. I don't wanna loose a great fren.. I'd rather give up on dancing than lose our friendship.. I just hope tht we're not awkward with each other... I wanna spazz... go for concerts.... be crazy.. and have th same feeling and laughter like how we always do during dance class.. I don't wan those 4 months of memories gone like tht... no... it can't... tearing up as I type this paragraph... guess my true feelings just came out now..
I want all my members to see this.... but.. no.... its okay.. this shall be hidden.. unless one of them finds my blog.. but not now....