So its been 2 weeks since competition... idk if its just me... but you have no idea how many times i reminisced abt every single scene happened tht day.... You kno when people say tht you actually did a good job but in your heart you're just not convinced bcus... well... you always think you're not good enough...
People see me as though I'm totally fine and being myself spazzing 24/7 and everything. But tht's not th case... sometimes I treat it as a distraction to whatever shit feeling i felt..

Its th 2nd time tht we (when i mean we i mean dongie and myself) have been rejected in a competition. Th first competition, fine. Its my first time being going thru th process and I feel tht i have too many things to learn and improve to move on and be better this time. This year? I spilled my sweat, tears, and sacrifices tht even involves a crucial relationship with my family in th process... But i thought, it will be worth it, yes it will. But i guess i was wrong. Getting into th finals will be like.. th happiest day of my life or maybe a good start to 2014. Bcus, its my other half's birthday. and yes, i treat it as a great importance to me... bcus i don't want to disappoint her again... TWICE. its not easy you see... its not easy to be a leader and having to deal with so many shit and people who just don't wanna listen to your instructions and being worst than a stubborn girl to not take in constructive criticism. It sucks. And i can see, feel and hear all th sufferings she has gone through. Its not pretty. she may not say anything, but i definitely feel it.. but me, being th type of "think before i speak or do" person, i didn't... bcus i just can't. Tht's why i had so much high expectations of myself and pushing forward hoping to get into th finals with CYD for her.... and only her. not me.. its like her>CYD. i kno i sound selfish and a stuck up bitch, but yes. i really do. Crying on stage wasn't what i had in mind. I told myself tht i will be strong and not cry like a baby. but who knows i just had to tear in th end. Embarrassment and guilt just kicks in and all th emotions tht you've been keeping in just overwhelms your body and you just broke down. Once again, its a disappointment for her... words of apologies can never make up for tht... it never will...

When will I ever try to please someone i care abt th most? bcus whatever you do is just a sand pit of mistakes and you can never get out from it.... you keep yourself isolated so much tht you breakdown in th middle of th night..... texting someone telling him tht it hurts so bad.. your heart just aches and it sucks like hell bcus no matter what you do won't change a shit, you're just a burden at th sidewalk to her dreams. Keeping all my deepest emotions in th house and leaving everyday, smiling and treating nothing has happened but at th end of th day, you come back, and your emotions just accumulated.

Idk. it just sucks to be me.

If i don't have any self-esteem, trust, and confidence in myself... how will I get someone to trust, and have confidence in me? Well you're just not good enough... again.
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