As much I wish for time to slow down... i wish i could let go... let go of my past... guilt.... suffering... everything. 

To be very honest.... I honestly... HONESTLY.. don't think i've moved on.. no, i haven't. Most people who listened to my story must have thought tht I took it pretty well... moved on pretty quickly... forgetting tht someone right on th dot....... but nevertheless.... but still.... regardless of how much i've been wanting so desperately to avoid th truth..... he was my first.... my first. tht, is fact. truth. i can't deny it. no matter how much i tried to erase all those memories.... bad or good.. yea, he made a mistake... but IF.. IF he did not make tht mistake... will I still continue this relationship? will I be where I am right now?..... will th love stay like how i first felt? I believe tht having dreams abt this is no coincidence... but why am i having it recently..? and reminiscing abt th past isn't helping either.. but tbh, i'm not reminiscing abt th bad things... more of like th good memories and times i had. why 2 years later and here i am thinking abt it...? was it because of my fear from tht situation tht overpowers th happiness i had? was it because i was afraid of denying th fact tht i actually loved him? was it because he was still... still my first love?

the term first love has really impacted me a lot today.. th conversations i had with OT6 today had got me thinking abt th word "first". regardless of how many times, or how much i say tht i hated him, detested, feared, but i guess i was shadowed by all those bad points, and covered his good side. people say tht first love is th most impt stage of your life... where you experience, learn, and treasure th person whom you first love. I can't say tht i was a great girlfriend at tht time, i was naive, stubborn, afraid. I went against my parents' by dating a guy behind my back, tried my best to not look as though i was in love, tht i was perfectly fine living as a normal girl. It was th most difficult phase tbh... considering tht i'm not tht old of an age to know abt love... i didn't understand what love meant actually... what it truly means... what was th role of a girlfriend... i didn't know.. 

looking back to where i was 4, 5 years ago... i laugh at my old self... how stupidly in love i was, how i once felt like i was loved.... how i didn't understand about what one should do when he/she is in a rltship, but i went on anyways... i've been sharing to my closest friends about th bad experiences i had in my 2 year relationship. but.... those 2 years of relationship wasn't all bad.... tht one day of hell triggered and locked my happiest moments of my life, deep in my heart, and was shielded by hatred.. and now... 2 years later, i realised. i was happy... I was happy with my first love. and now, I finally felt it... th hurt, pain, tears... i still loved him... no matter how badly i was hurt.... i finally understood. 

i took th liberty to google what is th definition of first love... and maybe perhaps now i finally understood what it means.. i can't hide it forever, my family will know th truth sooner or later.... my future boyfriend/spouse will know about it too, cus i can't lie anymore... when th time comes, i will not hide th truth. if i was bound to answer th question, "how was your first love like?" perhaps now... i can say tht, "he made me happy for those 2 years of my teenage life, as my first." instead of blabbering abt my bad experience. 

"tht 2 year relationship is one who brought out my happiest self of my teenage life, I was happy although i did not show it, i was always shy around you regardless but i was relieved during tht period. I showed my true colours to you, and you understood me. Thank you for teaching me how to love and care for th person most dearest to you. I'm sorry if i wasn't good enough for you, but you loved me anyways, and i'm thankful for tht. I hope you will find someone who truly loves you inside out, and show her tht she's th one for you. Thank you for being my first love."  is probably what i will say if fate allows me to meet you again in life. 

Its finally Easter... its a new beginning... a new fresh start... a new life....

"참 많이 행복 했었다 너란 사람을 만나서
내 가슴은 매일 설렜고, 내 두 눈은 너만 보였고
그땐 너에게 미쳤었지"- 내 욕심이 많았다

Happy Easter ♥