Passion/Interest is somewhat... what I live for.. Its what brought me here today and it has changed my life ever since I applied DPA and miraculously getting accepted in 2011. Right after stepping into college/poly life I've experienced so many things and did many things that I would probably cherish and treasure for the rest of my life. I've been holding onto this "early childhood dream" since secondary 3 and till now, I somehow find it amazing how I've actually came this far and here I am, senior year... one more year until we graduate and stepping into the next path of our lives to wards our different dreams; my dream... 

But, as I enter year 3... this burning desire of achieving this goal has died down... which is scary. I don't feel as passionate as I was back then in year 1 anymore. I don't feel as though I will achieve what I want to achieve right now. I don't feel.... like this path is the right choice for me in the future. Like.. what. the. fuck did I just say right there...? Have I lost the interest of being a early childhood professional already after 2 years of survival? Have I lost this passion of making a change into children's education life? Have I started to think that this dream of mine is just a lie? My next question comes... where am I going to go if I don't want this path no longer? Honestly, I have not thought about it yet... because well, I've been setting this goal of mine for the past.. 4 years? If this really happens, well I'm just screwed. 

Second of all... is even the interests in my personal life is scaring me. While my career life has this high possibility that I would find my passion in it soon (hopefully), one of it will be even harder to find my interest back... dance. Okay, dance has always been a sensitive issue for me, always have and always will. I can't deny myself from that because I've always been afraid of it ever since college life started. I don't know if it is because of the stress I've been struggling recently or my family life or my fears.. or probably all of the above. Fear of disappointments, anger, expectations, promises that I couldn't keep already, it is here.. I've kept it hidden from everyone long enough and I knew this day would come sooner or later. Is it normal to feel scared of your own people? Because at the end of the day, my dream and their dream is different... That is probably the main cause of it. Being somebody that I'm not is something that I could not continue too. And the stress that I'm having since the start of Year 3 is really not helping me relief the burden and guilt I've been bearing. I don't know.. Its like.. I'm forcing myself to like dancing which... I don't even like doing it anymore. I can't find that happiness, relaxation, stress-free, passion in me no longer. Its to this point where I tell myself, should I continue doing something I don't like but disappointing others as a result, or I leave, disappointing everyone, but they don't have to deal with a burden.. I choose the latter. Do I find this scary? hell yes. They must've realized it already... I don't need them to forgive me, or understand me.. They will do fine without me trust me, they've come a long way to where they are and I truly acknowledge and am proud of every single one of them. They will achieve their dreams of becoming true and professional dancers one day and time will tell.. I don't know when I can get back on my feet and start dancing again... but definitely not at the moment.. 

And lastly, my other interest life... fandom. You could guess what I'm heading at too... its scary how I would even think that I should leave fandom life and that everything will be okay because I'm just too overwhelmed about life right now. I know I'm overthinking about it too much but I don't know...which is why I'm having a break from fandom. I don't go on twitter anymore, cus I don't find it necessary and stuff like that. But people would ask me "but you're reading fanfic so what's the diff?" But all I can say that to me, those two are two very different things. I just can't explain it, but the feeling is very different for each of them. 

/sighs/ I really dread life right now because I really don't know where am I heading or what are my interests anymore.. I'm just lost... and just scared, confused, worried... well I'm glad I have work to keep me sane and forget about my oh-so-crazy-pathetic-life. I really want to feel happy... not only showing to everyone that you are happy, but you feel deep down that you are happy about your life right now... 

Wherever I am, whatever choices I make, I wanna be happy